I make my morning coffee with water, clean and clear, from my tap. Where was it grown and by who? I try not to think about that. As it percolates quietly I read the morning news, and try not to think of the results of what I consume. And every single moment I live in... I've been getting better at learning to live with the shame of knowing the consequences and buying in just the same, to shelves of disposable, brightly-colored, future trash that I never needed before and I now I can't seem to live with the lack. And every single moment I live in... I wish that I could spend one single day fixating on something else for a change. I never thought that my life would end up this way. I've got this terrible reoccurring dream where I stand on a pile of trash that extends for as far as the eye can see. All disposable cups, every cigarette butt, every ounce of gas that I've ever used. I am gasping for breath as it's filling my lungs, I wake up still choking on the fumes. And every single moment I live in fear that I'll be alive while everything beautiful dies; coral reefs bleach and decay, the amazon engulfed in flames. All forests, all deserts, all seas, the whole world a planet of weeds. While global ecosystems crash, the only ones that survive are the species that live on our trash. So we bear witness, it's already too late. We bought into their systems, we all carry the shame. We all wanted something, no matter the cost. So now we get nothing, nothing at all.

All my futures rot away, I watch like I watch T.V. Passive disinterest, I disassociate It starts in a hospital, it ends in a grave and I watch like I watch T.V. like it's somebody other than me All the people that I could have been All the things I never did Worlds of possibility somehow I fuck up everything Hiding in bed, books I've already read and I'm cursing the weather but they say "it gets better"

We started smoking inside the house 'cus it's too cold to be stepping out this over-sized armchair this pack of cigarettes now I don't have to move all afternoon Inside I don't have to deal with anything focus my attention on a blue-light backlit screen tried being social but I think I'd rather leave Alive only in the most literal sense in that my heart is pumping blood transporting oxygen inhale smoke exhale apocalypse and I'm sorry that we don't talk often it's not that I don't care I just don't have that much too say and outside the snow is falling and falling freezes green and blue to white and grey My Mind fixating on awful awful things ice caps are melting and I'm falling into apathy total exhaustion why can I not fall asleep? all light is fading oh my god I'm spiraling my spirits broken and out of key I've lost the will to fight the cold is consuming me

pushing forward as we're sinking falling just as we get up I've been having trouble sleeping having trouble waking up so read my tarot, tell my future is it famine fire or flood? on this race down to the bottom the blame lies with all of us we wanted everything, now we get nothing our food is grown across the globe freighter by sea, semi by road to line our shelves in our strip malls in plastic packaging, we all accomplices in global crisis refugees of war and climate in the age of mass extinction we all binge watch television so do you lie in your bed thinking what terror will tomorrow come? holding the shame of your hoping maybe you just wont wake up every possible solution is bureaucratically gridlocked every choice i make feels useless i know I'm not the only one so if the end is nigh, then let it come just let it come I've had enough let the end come have we done enough let the end come all empires turn to dust let it come, just let it come all machinery turn to rust let it come, just let it come oh, the sixth mass extinction let it come, just let it come we've got nowhere left to run so let it come, just let it come